Faith In The Middle of Disbelief

I think everyone to a degree has faith in something. Now, I’m not saying saving faith, I’m just talking faith in something.  And then, I also say that the same people who have saving faith often forget that they have it. People who know Jesus, however, have something that cannot be taken, shaken, or forsaken. All too often I find myself doubting. You know, like you really feel like you know something, but you forget, and you say “Man, I just don’t know. Maybe I was lied to. Maybe Jesus can’t offer me hope in this area of my life.” And soon, you find yourself in a hole where nothing seems hopeful.  You see your circumstances as bigger than giants, and your enemies seem to have an uncanny ability to breathe down your neck. This is an awful place to be, and I feel like there are so many veins of how I have experienced this as of late. 

For one, our faith can be damaged by many things.  Maybe it’s un-forgiveness.  As in, “That person hurt me in this way, and that way…and now I’m not sure of what I knew before because of their actions”.  I think what kills me every time I think about Jesus and His mission on earth, He never once was thinking to Himself, “Man. Father, these people are nuts, You know? I’m not feeling this. I have every right to judge and not extend any mercy.” Instead, He said things like, “Father, forgive them for they know not what they do”, and He described Himself as the “bread of life”, the “living water”.  He extended His love to the same people who crucified Him.  I haven’t read it, but, there’s a book that’s been around for 50 years at least called “The Last Temptation of Christ”.  In it, the author highlights an alternate reality where a humanistic, flesh driven Jesus reconsiders what He came down to our mess for, and He even imagines life outside of being crucified. I am in no way condoning this book. But, we as co-heirs with Christ can be astounded that He didn’t even flirt with these ideas.  He never had those thoughts.  He always has and always offers us steadfast love, forgiveness, and kindness. So when we have the mind of Christ, we should apply that mind to our own lives.  Through the Holy Spirit, we can forgive those who “know not what they do” to us. All because of Jesus, we can do something that’s foreign to our humanistic thinking. And, like Jesus we can embrace the peace and comfort of the Father through doing so.

Maybe it’s a lack of belief that your past has been changed. I cannot tell you how many times people I know say “I’m not ready for that__, because when I was at an earlier place in my life, ___happened and so, I’m just not able to get past that.” I hate when I find myself living in the past. I’ve learned that the enemy loves our past. Yes, the enemy makes his dwelling in your past, and who you were.  Did you ever notice that? The Lord gives us a bright future and new plans to prosper us, and the enemy is always bashing what happened to you, and who you used to be over your head to make you lose focus of that.  It’s really interesting.  The Lord loves to show you His goodness to you today, and remind you that your future is set in Him.  Not only that, but He can heal what was once done to you by the enemy. 

I was reading John 6, and I came across some interesting stuff.  Really cool how the Lord just interrupts your life with the Bible to show you your life and what He says about it.  Anyway, in John 6, Jesus is feeding 5,000, walking on water, shows how He is the “bread of life”, and then is deserted by many disciples. I mean.  Did you see that chronology? He shows all of His abilities, faithfulness, and all of the attributes of someone that people could put their full faith in.  But, I love what Jesus says in John 6:36, “But I said to you that you have seen Me and yet do not believe.”  Jesus shows up on the scene and shows how He is the One, He is everything they have hoped for, and He proves it, and they still disbelieve.

 I always do the same rhythm as these people.  When I read this, I often forget their foolishness is just like mine.  I recall how much doubt and fear that I also fall into.  Even when I experience Jesus, and see Him, I still question.  What Jesus points out is that faith is never produced by sight in and of itself, it is instead, produced by belief.  If we are always in the business of seeing results, like “Affirmation. Proof. Results. Answers.”, we will never have the faith He asks of us.  We’re just as blind as the people who lived with Him, watched Him heal, feed people, walk on water, do miracles and still question, “Are you really who You say You are? Are You going to come through?”; we have lost the plot.  We haven’t really understood what faith is all about.  Faith is the means to believing there is Light at the end of the tunnel; it’s the unsearchable assurance that Jesus is who He says He is. So, let me encourage you in Jesus’ track record. Has He ever failed you? Has He ever hurt you? Take heart, He has overcome your doubt, fear and disbelief. All we have to do is trust in Him.

Driving In The Rain, And Scared

I really like metaphors and cool things like that in the small things. The other day, God really showed me some stuff just in driving to Target. I offered a few guys I know to go with me to Target, just because I needed to get something (and didn't really want to go by myself).  The weather was fine when we were leaving, but there are some things you ought to know about me: driving for me is nerve-wracking, and I don't drive in bad conditions.  As soon as we were leaving school, past the gas station and heading towards Monroe, the rain really let down. It was pretty rough. I thought about turning back, because I have no experience in something like that, usually, I'm the one riding along.  I was worried, and I had to slow down.  I was worried not only for myself, but for the others. I knew that this beating rain wasn't something I could just wish away, it was something I had to go through to get to my destination.  Of course, people drive awful, so I had to be wise in driving and be safe.  But, the coolest thing was that I felt that as soon as I would get to Target in Monroe, the weather would be fine.  While it isn't a far distance, it was enough to cause me some trouble and make me feel afraid. Sure enough, the weather changed right as I was pulling into Target.  The sun made his appearance, and affirmed my feeling about the clear weather I felt would come. 
How far off is this experience from real life? I mean, sure, I couldn't really connect asphalt, windshield wipers, and turn signals to the Bible, but this story really encouraged me. 
God really honors His children, and His promises always happen. No matter the trial, storm or fear.  I really recommend that you read Deuteronomy 8.  That chapter has rocked me for the last 2 years.  The Holy Spirit showed me when I was going through something rough way back then, and He has been faithful to encourage me with it to this day.  New challenges, new storms, but He always has the same faithfulness.
Check out this passage:
Deuteronomy 8

"He humbled you, causing you to hunger and then feeding you with manna, which neither you nor your fathers had known, to teach you that man does not live on bread alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of the Lord.  Your clothes did not wear out and your feet did not swell during these forty years."- Deuteronomy 8:3-4



I hope that you find that passage as encouraging as it has been for me. Believe in Jesus, His faithfulness, and His promises.

Out of rope, sand in your hands, and Hope

I’ve been running this rat race lately of trying to do things and be alright so that I can be, in fact, “alright”.  Or at least have the appearance of being alright  I don’t know you if follow me or not.  But, maybe you’ve been through a time or several when you’re out on the end of your rope and you’re looking up, saying “Okay, when are You gonna help me out, I mean, really replace this stuff?”  I know I certainly am out of that rope. When you feel like you’ve run out of wind, and you’re just out in the ocean, waiting on some kind of miraculous action to come and save you.  Sometimes you know you’re out of your rope.  And maybe you don’t know you’re out of your rope.  But, you look down at your hands to see what you’re holding onto, and you find yourself without a rope, or anything to grab onto.  You find out, you’ve been holding on, desperately at that, to just sand.  And then it leaves your hands all at once, and you find yourself falling down, trying to find that rope.  Life has to be more than surviving.  I want to feel the security of running a race worth running, and love that doesn't run dry, or leave me at the end of the road wondering what happened.  Resurrection is what I need, to be raised up in the spirit and in my core to know it's all going to work out, and I will make it.  I need an assurance that the broken mess I wake up in, and stand in, is being attended to and that it will all be fixed.  I want Truth, help and healing.  In a world where not everything fits together, what may work for you, may not work for me. I’m ready for the Lord to come down into my circumstances, flip me and my world upside down, and resurrect everything that I broke. 
 I particularly like John Mark McMillan’s “Love You Swore”, and you will too. It’s honest worship.  Some lines certainly resonate with me & my walk.

“Spare my body from the wolves, God

That crouch down at my door,

Lift me up above the waters,

And the sharks that guard your shore,

Cause I know that I need you,

But sometimes I know it more,

Whoa oh…

Harbor me in the eye of the storm,

I’m holding on to love you swore”

Check it out:

Right after I wrote the last portion of the blog, I realized that I had to get some release and help. I didn’t really want to, to be honest. I tried my best to play some guitar (with a capo, anyone can sound like they almost know what they’re doing), and I just starting expressing how I felt, and I kept saying these lines over (some more than others), and I started to cry and really break through, hope you can be encouraged:

I choose to praise You, God

I know you’re good

Even when my circumstances don’t look like it

I know you love me

Even though I cant feel it

You are good

I wish you’d come down here and fix my mess

I want to have faith

You’re all that I’m holding onto

I know you’ll protect me

Love & Refuge

I suppose there is a degree to which I am really scared about life.  I want to do so many things, be many places, impact many people, and see awesome things.  I don’t think anyone can say they aren’t scared of their future.  If they weren’t they’d be perfect.  I know everything is planned out.  I know there is an Architect in heaven who loves me and holds my future.  I have found so much shelter in the presence of God.  It’s a home when “home” doesn’t offer much security.  I don’t think I need Saul to be after me, trying to kill me, while I’m hiding in a cave like David to know that God is a beautiful Refuge.  I have seen Him be my refuge even when I’m alright.

 “This God—his way is perfect; the word of the Lord proves true; he is a shield for all those who take refuge in him”- Psalm 18:30

 I have been discovering just how beautiful Jesus is. I’m growing to learn that this life is far but easy, far but free from hurt.  But walking with Jesus is for now, and forever.  Even when I’m weak, He is strong.  I think the lie to men (and women for that matter) of being strong, tough and not letting things phase you is one of the biggest hindrances of our thought life, prayer life, and social life.  There is a balance, a tension, between being strong before men for the sake of not being involved in pity and drama.  The other side is storing emotions and compartmentalizing, of which is the enemy’s convenient way of hindering our walk, worship, and love for others. 

Speak truth. So hard to do sometimes. Hard to receive, and sometimes just as hard to speak.  We go through enough in this life that we need to speak out what we feel and how we feel, or we’re just robots with a super human strength, of which, no one really has.  

And when no one understands, Jesus surely does.  Like a Friend you’ve never had, like a Lover who isn’t afraid of your dirty clothes, like a Brother who is with you through it all. Jesus is good.

In a song simply titled, “Spontaneous Song” (how charismatic can you make that one?), Kim Walker-Smith sings “I am my Beloved’s and He is mine” countless times in between speaking in heavenly tongues. 

We have a love that’s truer than all reality, and if God spoke into your heart, then it’s your job to answer back.

Created To Share Our Hearts

It’s always interesting to wake up and know that God designed mankind in such a way that our desires can only be met through Him.  Like square holes, in a world filled with circular, triangular, octagonal pieces that won’t fit. If not, that’d be some kind of cruel joke.  Ultimately, I think one of our most basic desires is to share our hearts. No person can tell you that deep down they really just want to exist and to be around people, never desiring to express or share themselves.  Even in our selfish ways, we want so badly to share what’s inside of us; good and bad.  And if you’re a logical, thinking, and analytical person, you still want to share your heart.  That desire is the same reason why we sing songs, write books, hug, have conversation and spend time with other people.  If there wasn’t a reason to share ourselves, our hearts, then we would be made to commune with ourselves.  But, ever since the Garden of Eden, to the Garden of Gethsemane, sharing our hearts has been at the core of what we were made to do.  Whether it is God speaking to Adam, giving him life, to Jesus pouring out His heart to God the Father, this example shows how we were made to share our hearts.  That’s why Jesus told us to love people. Part of loving people is sharing our hearts. Sharing our hearts can be sharper than barbed wire, cut more than a sword, but I believe it’s worth it. Loving is worth it.  The older I get, the more I realize how much we need Love. Like shelter, food, and rights. Love stronger than death, fear, and pain.  And I’ll be honest, the more I want it. The number one threat in our lives is the absence of love.  If you have it, you are up high, if you’re missing it, nothing else will fill that grave that sits in your heart.  I want Jesus to share His heart with me, to know my Father’s heart, and to experience His heart through the Spirit.  I need to do a better job of sharing my heart with Him. I’m so awful at sharing it with everyone and everything except Him. I’m always reminded how much He loves me, even though I don’t really show Him I love Him 99/100 times.  But, He is always waiting for me to come back, like it’s in His nature to see past our baggage and embrace us right where we are. The challenge is to ask and wait for Love to come down and meet us in the middle of our hearts.